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"Of the many contradictions that exist in the world, the contrast between love and hate is perhaps the starkest. It is one that helps us value true love while understanding the ramifications of hatred."
desires

"A life without love is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring."
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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Year 2009 summary.
or should i just say, the misc thoughts and outstanding problems to settle before 12am.

School:
I somehow jammed my gpa at 3.1.
& most likely i will grad with this gpa..
So?
I've failed myself, failed my expectation.
I remembered when i entered poly, i told myself i wil strive, i cant play anymore.
Didnt remember that promise i made to myself, instead, went off to play even crazier.
Took up basketball as cca, worked part time like no1's business.
When i got back my results for my first semester, i still remembered that i was so disappointed that i cried.
i failed one subject and gpa was pathetic like shit. (1.8)
re take exam, pass...
but still, i told myself that i must hit 3.5 at least when i grad.

Slowly, i managed to rise..
was very happy that i got '3' for sem 2.2.
Then i got so complacent that i went ahead planning my work schedule as tight as possible and take everything for granted again, neglecting my studies, my lessons, lectures, tutorials..

And i learnt my lesson.
*shrugs*
So yah.. this is partially what cause 30% of my problems now :)


Family:
Had a relatively bad year this year.
financial wise.
brother's also beginning to drift from us.
i guess because he's grown older le ba..
just when i wanted to be close to him, i called him into working at fw, i need to leave, due to internship reasons. (pity)

but i know mum had a tough year this year.
i've been trying to help, although i didnt manage to do much.
bro's also been more sensible and helped as well.
Mei was always sensible, she saves to provide for me when i m at lull periods :)
Mummy! yao jian qiang! everything would be over in 2010.
it would be a good turn for all of us. :) Love you!

Someone has been home on and off as usual.
leaving nthg but misses at home.

Everything was so fine when you were not around.
At least we are trying to manage on our own.
Then u came back in the beginning of the year.
had this very bad temper and mood.
made everyone of us not wanting to talk to you at all.
flare at brother.
quarrel with mum.
mum cried.
i wanted to protect my love ones. but yet i cant harm the one i love as well.
有些事就是這樣.
seriously that time was the first time i wanted you to leave so badly.
but at the same time, couldnt bear to go up to you and tell you to leave.
cause part of me wants you to stay.

after that incident.
a few days later u left.
we were sad.
(i missed you)
but did you ever knew that?
(i guess even if you knew, you've never cared)
bro was angry.. did you bother?
till now i still dunno why did you even flare?
so are you tryin to tell me those birds and fishes mean more then your kids?
(i guessed so, and im glad they are all gone now)

You dun bring $$ home.
we've nv complain.
You spend mum's money
we never stop you.
You brought ultimate misery to mum(partially to us)
we nv hate you.

what else do you want?

So now, everytime you come back this time, i will always have a qn that i would like to ask you.
"so whats your motive this time round".

I dunno why, i cant seem to express how I am feeling to anyone right now.
(Sry dabo, i know you wanted to ask me over the phone, but i dun really feel like talking about it and i dunno how to start)

This time round, you came back, you are super nice.
Never flare, never scream/shout.
talk very nicely.
i was afraid at first.
coz i cant read your mind, cant understand your motive.

so i tot that maybe you've realy changed.
and perhaps for the better.
and maybe for 2010 we can have a complete family. and a happy one.

on 30 dec 2009.
i found out smth.
i saw smth i shouldnt have.
i felt more then heart break.
i felt smth similar to dissapointment with a little anger. a little upset. a little confused. a little hate.

i wonder.
why did you even come back this time round.
I guess for the previous years when we didnt had you for Xmas, we stil celebrated very happily.
when i had cooked. we had dinners as a family w/o you. we were simple. but contented.
this year.
you came back.
we tot you would want to cook.
i didnt suggest.
last min.
you told us you had no mood coz u need to work.
we understood.
me and mum specially went down to buy some simple ingrediants enuff for a simple xmas feast.
you didnt return.
we tot u went to work. (nvm..)
then we change the feast date to 25 instead of 24.
then?
we waited.
you didnt come back.
we go ahead and eat..

main point- why did you came back to create that hope. & dissappoint us. :)
so.. am i right to tell you tht you've completely ruin my 2009 xmas?
and should i thank you for that?
coz when we were waiting, when we were hoping, you were out there.
on ORCHARD ROAD STREETS.
strolling.
alone?? (you sure?)
------------------------------------

fireworks just set off at cwp i guess.
:) suddenly. it brought me off my emotions.
i've again once forgotten what i want to say.
:) Happy new Year ppl :)

a new beginning. ;)